New year, new life

I start 2011 much unlike 2010.  I am not making a new year's resolution to lose weight.  This is the first year in decades that I am not doing that.  Yes I am still overweight for about 15 more lbs, but I know that I can obtain what I am wanting weightwise in this year without having to change anything that I am doing now.  That is a powerful feeling! 

I also start 2011 without my really good friend, my brother.  I have been really silent in the blogging world lately as I have been having a really difficult time dealing with his loss.  The holidays haven't helped, I guess.  I went today to pick up his truck.  It was difficult to drive it home as it smelled like him.  I now have to clean it and sell it.  That is going to be a very difficult time for me.  I guess it still doesn't feel real because we still don't know what happened.  It may be another month before we get the results of the autopsy and they won't tell us anything until toxicology comes back. 

I also start 2011 sixty pounds lighter than 2010.  That is a major accomplishment.  I feel so much lighter!  I have energy and don't require as much sleep.  I can get up off the floor after playing with my kids without pain.  I look to 2011 to be my time to heal! 

60!

Wow!  I didn't think that I would make it!  Today I am claiming 60 lbs gone forever.  I actually hit the number a week ago, but with the holiday week I didn't want to claim it yet.  I have kept it off and I am also glad to report that my weight free fall has let up.  Thank god I can eat again! With the insurance change I have been going through, I am not approved for another appointment until January 19.  If I was needing an unfill it was going to get really crazy!

The holiday was rough.  The family made it through ok.  I got really sad as I put up the tree and decorations today as when I bring them out again, Bill will have been gone a year.  That was probably the roughest thing I have encountered yet.  My parents left this morning.  They have been in town since right after my brother passed.  They are on a 4 day drive to their new home (parking spot) in California.  They may actually pass up their house on the way!  My parent live in an RV.  My father works as an engineer for a company in which he travels the country for projects.  Their home was already supposed to be in California, but something went wrong with the freight company and with the holiday, it was just picked up today in Austin, TX.  I am in great hopes that my mother doesn't fall into a depression in a new place where she doesn't know anyone and dealing with the great grief. 

Christmas involved a lot of tears, but I think that we held it together well for the kids.  They had a wonderful holiday and I managed to surprise each of them with their gifts.  It is really neat to see the differences in Christmas in kids close up with the age range of my kids.  At home we have two boys 15 (in 2 weeks), and 10.  One girl age 2.  We also have an older boy (my stepson since he was 2) who is 19.  He got engaged this Christmas.  I really like the girl.  I wish him the best. 

Holiday Challenge

I can't believe that I won! I didn't even think that I was in the running at all. I have to give this one to my brother. He totally made that happen. I have lost 11 lbs since he died. I totally haven't resorted to food to soothe my sorrows. That is another victory in itself! 

I got the email from Kristen and didn't believe her.  Thank you all for all of your support in everything.  I am still shocked.  I do have to take a bit to figure out where I want the gift card from as that thought hadn't crossed my mind at all!  Congratulations to all of the participants.  I can't believe that we lost almost 400 lbs!

Feeling Better

I am feeling better today.  I almost feel like life is back to some form of normal.  I know it won't ever be the same.  I am going to make cookies with my 10 year old today.  I had promised him that we would make them last weekend before our tragedy struck.  I need to spend some time with him.

I go back to work full time tomorrow.  I have a busy day so that will keep my mind busy. 

I weighed in for the challenge today.  I lost 15.6 lbs over the term of the challenge.  I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I don't eat my way through stress anymore.  It is the exact opposite.  My husband is now calling it the anorexia diet.  It is far from that!  I have been having more protein shakes as my band is really tight right now.  I had chili for lunch yesterday along with some cucumbers and dip.  For dinner, I had 4 shrimp in scampi sauce.  He just doesn't understand band portions.  I have lost a bunch of weight in the past week and a half.  It is so strange to me.  I actually cussed my brother while I stood on the scale yesterday.  I thanked him for the loss, but told him he could have totally come up with a better way to help me.  (a little more colorful words were chosen at my house)  I am totally disinterested in food.  I don't remember to eat.  It is very different from how I handled stress in the past.   My mother on the other hand has had her hand in the chocolate bowl constantly for the past week and a half!  So glad I am no longer in that position! 

I finally finished my Christmas shopping last night.  I was beginning to think that I was going to be one of those idiots out on Christmas eve!  (No offense if you like that sort of thing)  I am so glad to be finished.  I only have to wrap what I picked up today, so that won't take long and everything is in a nice square box!  Gotta take the small victories where you can find them!

Dreading Christmas

I am completely dreading Christmas this year.  I am making it through for my children.  Trying to show them some normalcy.  I go back to work tomorrow.  I am hoping that some routine in my life will help me deal.  I guess I just wish we knew why. We won't have results from the autopsy for 6-8 weeks.  I am having the most problem with the fact that people don't just not wake up at age 30 that often.  The funeral director thinks that he may have been gone for a day or two before he was found.  We found his phone and I was fortunate enough to be the last call that was answered.  We had a great conversation, and I feel blessed by that.  My mother texted with him later that day.  I am so sorry that I am rambling today.  I feel like the past week has been a blur.  My parents are staying until after Christmas, then they start driving out to California for their next project.  I am going to miss them.  I am also going to miss having family here.  I only had the one sibling.  We were close and he was the only family I had in the area.  It is going to be so different not having him here.  I am getting worried about my husband.  He seems to be dropping into a depression.  He was also very close to my brother.  My husband is not close to his family, he always said that he preferred to hang out with mine.  I can't complain about that at all! 

I have to say that when I did the photo dvd for the funeral, I couldn't find a photo where I wasn't fat as an adult.  I was very proud to be wearing a size 12 dress that evening (probably could have worn a 10, but they didn't have one)!  Oh and I did my measurements today...  I have lost 50.5 inches!  12 inches of that came from my hips!  Thank you Lap-Band!

Thank you!

I have been absolutely astounded by the outpouring of love and condolences that I have received from my blogger family!  Thank you so much.  I have appreciated every word. 

My family and I have been working through the pain.  Rather than a funeral we had a celebration of his life!  There were a lot of laughs and not so many tears.  Of course, I have had my share of tears.  My husband who has had a hard time showing his emotions sometimes has been absolutely amazing.  He hasn't left my side. 

I think that things will be up and down for a bit.  Especially, since my brother was the only member of my family who lived near me. 

On another note, although this isn't the best way for this to happen, I have lost 5 lbs this week!  I really didn't think that I would make it to my holiday goal of 150.  I had given up on that.  I am sitting now at 153 so it is really possible! 

I can't even muster a catchy title

I posted yesterday about my 6 month bandiversary and how much better I felt.  I look good, I felt good, all was going well for me.  About an hour or two after that post, my world came to a crashing halt.  Please bear with me as I type this out. 

I was very tired yesterday morning.  I went to work because I had a client coming in and I hate to cancel.  After a long conversation with my mother on the phone it was decided that I would leave work at 10am to go home and get some rest.  She did however ask me to stop by my brother's house as he hadn't called her back.  This happened often, she is just overbearing sometimes.  I left work and drove to my brothers.  When I arrived I knew there was a problem.  At that moment my phone rang again, my mother, my brother was dead.  The police were already there as my cousin who was his roommate had found him this morning.  I just happened upon the scene.  Heartbroken doesn't even begin to describe my feelings right now.  He was 30.  They are saying that he died in his sleep.  Possibly sleep-apnea.  Autopsy is scheduled for tomorrow. 

This does however give me another fight at obesity.  My brother was 5'9 and probably weighed 325-350.  He battled his weight all of his adult life.  He was watching me very closely and wanted to look into the band when he got a job with health insurance.  He had battled depression brought on my many things.  His weight was one of them.  He was not married and did not have children.  That upset him too.  I will miss my only sibling greatly, but I totally understand now that obesity is nothing to mess around with. 

Sunday I found out I am going to be a grandma.  Wednesday, my mother in law had a mild heart attack, and how this.  My parents are on the long drive home.  My husband has been better than I could have ever imagined in helping me cope.  If I disappear for a little while you will understand why.  I may however need to type out some feelings.  If that is the case, please bear with me...

RIP Bill, I love you.

This day

This day marks 6 months since I changed my life in a momentous way.  6 months ago I received my lap band and it has given me more than I could have ever imagined.  I have lost 40 lbs since I began my pre-op diet.  I have lost 52 total with the insurance diet.  I feel like a new person.  Granted, I still have a ways to go but I have the knowledge that I WILL get to where I want to.  This was definately the best decision of my life.  Here are some comparison shots.  I took them into work yesterday and showed them to my bff.  Her comment was "you never were that big!"  Yes I was! 

Disappearances

I have been scarce the past few days for good reason. My husband and I have been dealing with the realization that we are getting old! I will just add a quick post update to announce that I am going to be a GRANDMA! AT 35! WTF!? I am still about to fall over. My stepson is 19. I have been his other mommy since he was 2 so he is practically mine. They are due in July. I am happy for him. I told my husband who was having real trouble with the news that Jacob is older than now than he was when Jacob was born.

So does anybody have any good experience advise for being a young grandma. Like calling something other than grandma? I will however make sure that I am a sexy one!!!

The ULTIMATE F word!

I absolutely loved this balloon when I saw it.  I have been flirting with 50 lbs lost for  awhile.  I got a small .5 fill on Monday and here it is!  Oh what a wonderful day!  My trip for the fill on Monday was an adventure in itself.  In a previous post I talked about my insurance woes and to change my appointment that had been set for yesterday I  had to drive 4 hours one way for fill appointment.  I am so glad that I made that drive in the pouring rain and all. 

My insurance mess seems to be working itself out in a way that is better than I could have ever imagined.  Lets hope the plan holds (my union is involved as this situation isn't the best for everyone), because this is almost too good to be true in my personal situation!  They are giving me the deal that if I decline health insurance at my employer and make hubbys primary they will set up a medical reimbursement program for my family that will pay all of our copays and prescriptions!  All for $24 a YEAR!  I really hope that this holds.   I am also thanking the good Lord that I was able to get my surgery this year with both insurances.  I have my 6 month bandiversary in a couple of days.  With hitting 50 lbs I think that I will put some pictures up for that one that I have been holding out on.